I find myself in a panic wanting to do something different with my life. What a way to live… right? I can only imagine the terror, this kind of fear based brought to my family. I would probably feel angry at myself, and couldn’t trust anymore due to all the lies that have been told to me. It was so incredibly disturbing to realize that no one was against me. I find myself thinking about what would happen if I never got the help that I needed. The thought is terror again, an apocalyptic fend for your self existence. No order, no law, no structure and it brings memories of self doubt and isolation. I was at war with my self and so scared, and I built an emotional bomb shelter.
No bomb ever hit and life had continued on as I lay dormant in my own personal hell. I was a good “puppet” for my addition; even though at that time and place I did not know that there was another way to live. I have always had a difficult time believing in any thing beyond my experiences. Addiction is a brain disease that will manifest it self in very ugly behaviors. Most people will be looking from the outside in; saying “why are they doing this?” Not knowing that the person is not a bad person but a sick person. The addict does not see or even understand the kind of chaos and self hatred that they are creating. Treatment for addiction is the answer to this dilemma, and sometimes the hardest thing for a family to do is to let that person reach a state of “despair” because despair is the motivator for “real change”.
Fear is just your but catching on fire and treatment is the water bucket. This doesn’t mean that fear cant or won’t change a person. Treating addiction is one of the most uncomfortable things that any one human being must do. The addicted brain thinks its dying when the drugs are gone. That’s why people inevitably return to using just days after a near death chemical overdose. Addiction lives by five basic rules: 1. Bigger, 2.Better, 3. More, 4. Mine and 5. Now; Then take a dysfunctional family, and warped pathological perception of the world and BINGO!!! You have a catalyst and this is what continues to fuel that part of the disease of addiction. “Like a perfect storm” of strong negative emotions, a toxic environment and a spiritual death.